What Happens When Your Partner Wants To Do It and You’re Not in the Mood?

If you’re in a long-term relationship, you probably remember the early “honeymoon period”—those first few months when you couldn’t get enough of each other (and maybe couldn’t keep your hands off each other). But, if you’re like most couples, your sex life has changed between then and now. In fact, it’s likely that there are (more) times in your relationship when one of you wants to have sex, but the other is not in the mood.

In a new set of studies, my colleagues and I looked at how couples manage these situations when partners have different sexual interests in ways that are satisfying to both romantic partners. We were specifically interested in this topic because desire discrepancies between partners are common in relationships—in one of our studies, 80% of people had experienced a desire discrepancy with their partner in the past month; in other study, couples reported some degree of desire discrepancy on 5 out of 7 days a week. And we know from past research that disagreements related to sex can be very difficult to resolve successfully.

Given that differing sexual interests are common in relationships and can be challenging to resolve, we conducted three studies to examine how people make decisions about having sex when their partner is interested in sex but their own interest is low, and to test whether certain people would be able to navigate these situations with greater success. Our first study was an experimental study where we asked half of our participants to complete a writing exercise to temporarily increase their motivation to meet partner’s sexual needs, then we asked all of participants to imagine themselves in a situation in which their romantic partner wanted to have sex, but they were not in the mood.

In our second study, we asked people to tell us about the most recent time when their partner was in the mood for sex, but the participant was not. In our final study, we recruited both members of romantic couples to report on their desire and their motivation to engage in sex and not engage in sex each day for 21 days.

Across all three studies we found that a person’s motivation to meet their partner’s sexual needs, termed sexual communal strength plays an important role (a) in the decision to engage in sex in these situations and (b) in the maintenance of both partners’ sexual and relationship satisfaction.

People who are high in sexual communal strength—those who are motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs without the expectation of immediate reciprocation—were less concerned with the negatives of having sex — such as feeling tired the next day. Instead, these communal people were more focused on the benefits to their partner of engaging in sex, such as making their partner feel loved and desired. In turn, these motivations led the communal people to be more likely to engage in sex with their partner in these situations and also led to both partners feeling more satisfied with their sex life and relationship. This means that even though they engaged in sex to meet their partner’s needs, they reaped important benefits for themselves. In fact, communal people maintained feelings of satisfaction even in these desire discrepant situations.

Our findings suggest that if one partner is interested in having sex, but the other partner isn’t in the mood, being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs can benefit both partners. It is very important, however, that this motivation to meet a partner’s needs comes from a place of agency, where people feel that they are able to meet their partner’s needs, and a delight in seeing ones partner happy. Situations that involve coercion or where a person ignores their own needs in the process (termed unmitigated communion) do not lead to the same benefits. In fact, an important part of communal relationships is that both partners are attuned to and responsive to each other’s needs. At times this may also mean understanding and accepting a partner’s need to not to engage in sex.

In short, this research tells us a little bit more about how, as sexual desire waxes and wanes over the course of any relationship, some people are able to navigate tricky situations with greater ease and success when one partner wants sex but the other does not. Being mutually responsive to each other’s sexual needs in a relationship can help couples to maintain sexual satisfaction long after the honeymoon period ends.